yeah about that secret plan. it changed to Ny and now I’m hearing him cry in the other room. and I can fix this. i can just say no. but I want this.
ahhh I lost that long post. that’s fine though. mostly I was kinda marveling at how he falls apart at the practical things. car troubles. these are so simple and easy to me. a blessing because there are simple solutions.ok my car doesn’t work. I will have someone fix it. done.
he finds my issues to be simple. why worry about death and disease and life choices. it’ll all work itself out. simple to him.
I remain utterly amazed that his brother died and he has random sadness but he is relatively unchanged. I had a friend die and I am forever fucking changed and as if it wasn’t hard before now I find it impossible to be close to people because they will die and I will walk out of work crying and unable to breathe. god fuck that day. fuck it so hard. the idea of reliving anything near it just does my head in. he says to that “just don’t think about it and you’re okay” I say about the car “just don’t worry about it. it’s okay” we are good for each other as long as we understand what’s simple for me isn’t the same for you and I’ll do my best to support that.
sleepy.
Yeah so the bad thing I’m doing. I’m going to California. I’m not telling him until I’m cock sure. it’s horrible and wrong and awful but honestly I think we need this time apart and I want this opportunity.
I’m a horrible person. way worse than I ever thought. because I just decided I’m going to do bad things.
fuuuuuuck so fuuuuuuck I can’t believe it. their 10 year marriage is about to end. how do you cheat on your wife? it’s horrible. woman who gave birth to your babies and takes care of everything. how do you throw that away for a piece of ass named Lacey? omg I just…fuck him so mad right now. hate his stupid good upstanding Christian ass.
This is my first night on Vicodin. I should be crazy happy
this argument has got to come to an end. everything keeps coming back to “why are you friends with him?” so I have to try to be logical and practical and other things I’m not. so hex is so very jealous of Justin. it’s not a matter of sex as much as he feels I like him more and have more fun with Justin. this isn’t true at all. I love Justin but any day with hex is a million times better than a Convo with Justin. hex gets me and I get him. we make each other laugh and have fun with each other. we are a good balance. Justin is just he is a lot like me and we enjoy each other so is it at the point of having to chose? do I have to give up the one real life friend I’ve made in the past ten years? and if I do then wtf? thing is I’ll sacrifice a lot to make hex happy but I kinda feel like having Justin is important. it’s so hard to make friends. especially me because I am a really hard personality. not many people get the whole she kick babies but has a big heart thing. it’s confusing. and I’m fake and false part of the time but the realness is beneath the shell of fakeness that exists only to not get hurt. Justin gets all that and it’s lame and stupid but I need to be loved. but he’s hates him. with every right. our relationship grew so quick and weird that even I got confused about it. disconnecting other feelings and coming to the weird realization that we are kinda soulmates sans the sex. so I get his annoyance. we talk every day and sometimes for hours. so. I guess I need to cut down on Justin conversations and make hex know how he is always my top person. It’s also that Justin is having a shite time now so I want to be there for him too. So I guess the decision has to be made. someone is going to get less attention and the has to be J. poop. so I’ll pray Justin finds a new friend and I’ll resent hex for making me lose a friend. this is so whiny. I’m glad no one read it.
